Smallville Abridged
by tHePuRpLeLuVeR
Summary: My insane take on Smallville and its general plot which I wrote when I was drunk. I mean, bored and hyper. I don't drink, what are you talking about?


Good morning! So, this "story" is something I wrote probably a couple years ago, and then, as is typical of me, I lost it. It was finally found again like, half an hour ago, and I decided to upload it before I lose it again, which is of course inevitable. So here it is! It's just a quick parody I did of all the episodes in first season Smallville. Bear in mind, I love Smallville greatly and respect it as a show, I was just bored.

Disclaimer: Smallville and its plot were not created by me.

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"Pilot"  
Narrator: A bunch of rocks fell from the sky and killed people. Some turned into monsters. Or lost hair.  
Clark: I WANNA PLAY FOOTBALL!  
Jonathan: No.  
Lana: Look at me and my green necklace!  
Clark: Oooh, pretty...  
Whitney: I hate you.  
Jeremy: Well I hate you!  
Lex: I'M BALD! 

"Metamorphosis"  
Greg: Yum, yum. Buggies. And Lana. Yum.  
Lana: Ew.  
Clark: Ew.  
Whitney: Ew.  
Greg's mother: Ew.  
Greg: DIEEEE!  
All: Ew.  
Lex: I'M STILL BALD!

"Hothead"  
Coach Walt: Grrrr...  
Clark: I'm playing football, Father.  
Jonathan: Shit.  
Coach Walt: Grrrr...  
Principal Kwan: Grrrr...  
Coach Walt: Grrrr...  
Clark: _walks through fire_  
Lex: Bald, bald, bald.

"X-Ray"  
Clark: Yum, naked Lana.  
Tina's mom: _dies_  
Tina: Shit  
Lana: I hate myself!  
Tina: You're perfect!  
_ they fight_  
Clark: _saves Lana, probably ripping his shirt off in the process. I can't be bothered to look it up_  
Lex: Yep. Still bald.

"Cool"  
Sean: Chloe hot.  
Chloe: Sean hot.  
Clark: ...  
Sean: I'm cold. _kisses someone_ Nevermind.  
Pete/Martha/Jonathan/Lana: Blah blah blah.  
Sean: I'm cold again. Hey Chloe...  
Chloe: Shit.  
Lex: Bald. But I DO have eyebrows. _grins_

"Hourglass"  
Harry: I'm old  
Lana: Hi, old.  
Harry: Now I'm young.  
Lana: Oh.  
Cassandra: Everyone you love will die, Clark. And it will be your fault. I'm sorry.  
Clark: Shit.  
Cassandra: You're an asshole, Lex.  
Lex: And bald.  
Cassandra: _dies_

"Craving"  
Jodi: I'm fat.  
Pete: That's okay.  
Jodi: Now I'm skinny. And hungry.  
Pete: You're hot.  
Jodi: _eats_  
All: _blank stare_  
Lex: I'm bald. And Clark wants Lana.

"Jitters"  
Earl: THERE'S A LEVEL 3!  
All: Nope.  
Earl: Fine, I'll just kill you then.  
Clark: _finds level 3_  
All: THERE'S A LEVEL 3?!

"Rogue"  
Mr. Phelan: Whoa... Clark's a freak!  
Clark: Shit.  
Jonathan: Shit.  
Martha: Shit.  
Lex: Shit... hehe... bald!

"Shimmer"  
Amy: Lex is HOT!  
Lex: Damn straight!  
All: ...  
Victoria: I rule.  
Amy: Nuh-UH!  
Lex: Get her mental therapy, please.  
Jeff (Amy's bro): In your FACE! It was me! Ha!  
Clark: _spills paint_

"Hug"  
Lex: Yo, Atticus!  
Clark: Eh?  
Bob: I rule  
Kyle: I rule, but nobody must know  
Chloe: Kyle, you rule. Show me.  
Clark: Yeah  
Kyle: Chloe and Clark, sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!  
Clark: ...

"Leech"  
Clark: I'm weak.  
Eric: I'm strong.  
All: Aaah! Eric's strong!  
Clark: Eric, you're strong.  
Eric: Go away, I'm strong.  
Clark: Not anymore... _pulls out kryptonite_  
Eric: I'm weak.  
All: Yay. Eric's weak.

"Kinetic"  
Whitney: I'm lost, and everyone hates me.  
All but Lana: Damn straight.  
Lana: I love you Whitney.  
Whitney: You don't count. I have no purpose. I think I'll go hang with those evil guys over there.  
Evil guys: Come steal with us, Whitney. We're not stoners.  
Whitney: 'Kay.  
Lex: Aaaah... they stole from me! Bald!  
All: Haha.

"Zero"  
Lex: Partay! Bald!  
Some other people: Bad Lex.  
Lex: Partay!  
Some other people: hang Lex upside down  
Lex: Wheeeeeeee!!

"Nicodemus"  
Jonathan: I'm mean and horny!  
Martha: Works for me.  
Lana: I'm a slut.  
Clark: Works for me.  
Pete: Oooh... Chloe's hot.  
Chloe: Works fo--nevermind.  
All: Damn flower!

"Stray"  
Martha: OOH! A boy! Can we keep him?  
Ryan: I lost my shoe.  
Clark: Yo Ryan.  
Ryan: I can't read you're mind, Clark.  
Clark: Yuppies.  
Ryan: What's your secret, Lana?  
Lana: I'M NOT TELLING!  
Ryan: Yo Clark. That Lana bitch loves you.  
Clark: Cool.

"Reaper"  
Random old person: Ow, it hurts to breathe.  
Tyler: Here, I'll help. _kills them_  
All: You can't do that, Tyler  
Tyler: Yeah, you're right. _kills himself_

"Drone"  
Clark: I'm gonna be class president!  
Sasha: Not if my bees can help it!  
Clark: Oh yeah?  
Sasha: Yeah!  
Sasha's bees: _attack people_  
All: Owie

"Crush"  
Justin: I can't use my hands! _sob/whine_  
Chloe: I love you anyway, Justin  
Justin: Principal Kwan must die!  
Chloe: Okay, nevermind I don't love you.  
Clark: Haha! Jokes on you, Justin. Principal Kwan's as innocent as Lana's clothing.  
Justin: Shit.

"Obscura"  
Lana: Aaaah, Chloe's gonna die!  
Chloe: Aaaah, I'm gonna die!  
Clark: _saves Chloe_  
Lex: Clark is Superman. I'm bald.

"Tempest"  
Chloe: I love you, Clark  
Clark: Mmhmm.  
Lana: I'll miss you, Whitney.  
Whitney: Mmhmm.  
Clark: YEA! WHITNEY'S GONE! PARTAY!  
Tornado: Muahahaha! Here I come, Smallville!

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Thank you for paying attention to my insanity for probably longer than you even should have. Reviews are very very welcome and will earn you an enormous e-hug. In my head. Or something. Just review.


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